Open Letter From Alan Symons

Australia's Most Wanted Man


G'Day,

It's been a while since my last dispatch from your new colony, so I thought I ought to update you on things here.

I have managed to insinuate myself into the local population to a large extent, finding gainful employment at the local Holden(Vauxhall) dealership. I am doing my best to put them out of business(as you taught me) but it is hard. They only allow me to work five days a week, closing on a sunday, the cars are priced ridiculously cheaply and the natives are friendly, easy-going and receptive to my limited sales skills.

I have been voted on to the committee of the local football club and into the position of second team coach. Although, as you know, my skills are also limited in this area, I have been unable to curb the innate enthusiasm and energy of the natives, who insist on winning their games on a disturbingly regular basis.

On the home front, things are also difficult. My wife is beautiful, loving, intelligent, kind, supportive and a great cook. The house is lovely, the vegetable garden flourishing and the spa warm and relaxing. Despite my constant rudeness we are often invited out for evenings of great food, pleasant company and much alcohol, which for some reason they name after a famous American doll, friend of Ken.

Although my mission to destroy the local economy is not a total success, I will keep trying, and hope, in maybe 30 or forty years to have some progress to report.

Please dismiss any thoughts that I am 'going native', I will still barrack for the poms in the world cup, but if the aussies do well, then thats fair dinkum too.

I look forward to any news from the homeland. Please click on the coloured link above "Wanted ... for further information

Your obedient servant.


Alan Symons(Symo)